If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
![]()
You Might Also Like
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
![]()
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.