If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
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I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
This rocks
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.