If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
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Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.