If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
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Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
New Tinder profile.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
