If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children