Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

I ain’t wearing no wire

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

I think I’m having a stroke

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.