Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

serving silly goose instead of turkey

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

Modded the new Gran Turismo

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.