If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
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The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓