If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
jesus, what did this guy do
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Found my door mat
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
