If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.