Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.