Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

I am having an out of money experience.

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*

0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method