Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

Customer is always right

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

Sure. Why not?

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg