If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
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Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six