If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
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“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
#Caturday
about to have the best blueberries of my life
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this