If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
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Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms