If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
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TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.