According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
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She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
PSA for campus drivers
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
My wife thinks I’m stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she’s stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.