If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

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According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.



She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???


Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”


Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison


I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.


Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste


My wife thinks I’m stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she’s stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument.


Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did


“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.