If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
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I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
This is what makes twitter great
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.