@iMonkGreen

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

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@AmishPornStar1

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

@sarousti

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

@daemonic3

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

@WildeThingy

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

@krishna_van

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

@DrakeGatsby

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste

@sucittaM

My wife thinks I’m stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she’s stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument.

@iinkedZombie

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

@mela_shea

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.