if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
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Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Whoops
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Go girl power!
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.