if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
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Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Suuuuure
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in