if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
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Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Seals are just dog mermaids.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation