If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
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😲 WTF? 😆
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi