If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
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Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
