If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
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Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.