If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
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What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.