If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
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My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
🤣🤣🤣🤣
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.