If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
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Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.