Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

*swipes right by accident*

Him: You’re not really my type.

Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.