If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
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My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
🙅🏻
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”