If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
You Might Also Like
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I feel it
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]