If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
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I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Good morning y’all ☀️
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first