Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

went fishing caught a bass

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

I hope it’s French Onion!

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.