If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
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Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business