Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!

inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream

nabisco: and the outside?

inventor: absolute garbage

nabisco: stop i love it

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids