If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
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Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
A new level of troll.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls