If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
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Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Never go to sleep after making me angry
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Pleading insanity in small claims court
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage