If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
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I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.