If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
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“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet