Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*