Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Orange cat behavior 😂

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

They should make a moral fiber supplement

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.