If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
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Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Human are so complicated
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”