If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
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My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
What the hell happened in there??
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.