If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
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Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Money is the root of all wealth
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.