If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
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ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Support your local cemetery
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.