If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
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The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Spoiler Alert: I was late
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind