If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
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ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
consequences, the bane of my existence
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.