Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.