Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”