if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
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how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Jogging
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.