If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
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Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.