Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

Body by sandwich.

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.