If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
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“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
