if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
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[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
You’ll be OK
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Worst Native American name ever.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God