Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

Hit me in the face with a bird

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning