Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

i really liked this one

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

omg leave her alone

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard