If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
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Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.