If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
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Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
No one can handle that
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?