Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.