If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
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Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
True
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?