So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
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Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother
Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I don’t discriminate among size guys.
Personally my favorite is 3 inches and goes by the name visa, mc, or amex.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
This motel air conditioner has seen some things…
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.