If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
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[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
an airline just for babies.