If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
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My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
wtf is a larm clock?
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Cop lights are so pretty at night
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes