If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
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“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
just having fun
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”