Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

LOL

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

Bartenders are just boneless bars

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

Wake me when AI does housework