If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
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You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
They got a point!
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.