If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
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gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
This squirrel eats better than I do
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Cutest fight ever.. 😊