Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.