Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.