If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
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Oh we’ve met.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns