Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think we should see other cousins

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.