Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

We avoided this particular disaster

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

Called it

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.