Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

Bro what is this