Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.