If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
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Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
it’s not been my year
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed