Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast