if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
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boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity