Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”

Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”

Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

Just this preview of the story is enough

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.