if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
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People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
