if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
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“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Don’t make me out nice you.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
emergency phone
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.