@thedaisycomplex

If you knew what I considered to be my “best behavior” it’s doubtful you’d advise me to be “on it”.

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@jessokfine

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

@NicSampson

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

@batkaren

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

@HatfieldAnne

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

@KimmyMonte

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

@DomComedy

If Dumbledore did a ‘Cribs’ episode for Hogwarts, he’d be like “and this is where the magic happens” in every room.

@Reverend_Scott

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh