The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.
If you knew what I considered to be my “best behavior” it’s doubtful you’d advise me to be “on it”.
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This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Growing up, when a thunderstorm started getting real bad, all the families on our street would shoot at it until it backed off.
Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails?
Me: it’s brownies.
1) Open a Kinkos style office supply store in Bel Air
2) Name it Fresh Prints
3) Make millions
4) Move to West Philadelphia
Important notice I stuck on a bench in the park today.