@thedaisycomplex

If you knew what I considered to be my “best behavior” it’s doubtful you’d advise me to be “on it”.

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@drinksmcgee

The best part about owning cats is that they’ll eat you when you die and save you the cost of a funeral.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

@MarfSalvador

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

@drugleaf

the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a “Bazinga” shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree

@Leslie_Annie

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

@BillyWayneDavis

Growing up, when a thunderstorm started getting real bad, all the families on our street would shoot at it until it backed off.

@Gooooats

Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails?

Me: it’s brownies.

@Mikecanrant

1) Open a Kinkos style office supply store in Bel Air

2) Name it Fresh Prints

3) Make millions

4) Move to West Philadelphia