I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
If you knew what I considered to be my “best behavior” it’s doubtful you’d advise me to be “on it”.
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“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
they’ve hired a PR firm
If Dumbledore did a ‘Cribs’ episode for Hogwarts, he’d be like “and this is where the magic happens” in every room.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
[into the abyss]
no you hang up first