Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

mechanics be like

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?