If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
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I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.