If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
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My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.