If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
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You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.